You would think applying self-tanner to one’s back would be a simple task that would need no explanation at all. However, we here at Bro Glo had to be the ones to tell you how badly you needed self-tanner in the first place, so we figure we ought to step in and help out with this as well. Read on to learn how to apply self-tanner to your back.
Step 1: Put your hand protection on. Your sun-kissed back is sure to go unnoticed if it is accompanied by the hands of George Hamilton. (writer’s note: Honestly, Donald Trump works better and is more current, but I’d hate for anyone to think you’re taking a side!)
Step 2: Get topless. Swinging your shirt over your head like a helicopter is optional but highly encouraged.
Step 3: Take at least five minutes to check yourself out in the mirror. Hey, have you been working out? Flex, at a minimum, twice. If time permits, act out the “You talkin’ to me?” scene from Taxi Driver in its entirety. Bobby D. is the man. Dude, did you see The Irishman? Wait, sorry, it appears we have gone off topic.
Step 4: Apply enough self-tanner to cover your upper back and shoulder blades to your right hand.
Step 5: Reach your right hand over your left shoulder. Use your left hand to push your right elbow up. Swipe your hand from left and right a few times as if your shoulder blades are a hot chick’s Tinder profile. Don’t forget your neck, weirdo. I mean really. No one wants to be that guy with the killer tan but a pale neck. Spread the love!
Step 6: Repeat Step 5 on the other side using the other hand.
Step 7: Put enough self-tanner to cover your mid to lower back on your right hand.
Step 8: Reach to the right side of your lower back. Rub the self-tanner back, forth, up, and down. Sing at least one verse of Clarence Carter’s Strokin’. Shaking your hips from side to side is not required, but we just dare you to try singing that jam and NOT dancing.
Step 9: Repeat Step 8 on the other side using the other hand.
Step 10: Let the self-tanner dry for a bit. Use this as an excuse to strut around topless while imagining how great you will look once that tan develops into all of its bronze glory.
Now we know what you must be thinking. Couldn’t this list just have been Step 5 and Step 8 with a note to repeat on the other side? Sure. We know you could probably have figured that out without all the extra guidance and choreography. But our audience is men, and some men need the help. But not you, though. We know you could figure it out. Which is why we omitted Step 11: take your fine, tan self out to the nearest pool, barbecue, or beach and start showing off the goods. And when the compliments start rolling in, tell them it’s all thanks to your good-looking friends over at Bro Glo.
- Tags: Tanning